The admissions office replaces “Why Princeton?” »Complete with” Why not Yale? “
The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
After years of boring, repetitive, and surprisingly unoriginal essays by prospective students, the Admissions Office has announced changes to the writing supplements required for next cycle applications. The 2026 class will have to think “critically” and “so far off the beaten track you can’t even see the box” if they are to impress the admissions committee this year. Instead of asking “Why Princeton? Candidates must now grapple with a more nuanced question: “Why not Yale?” “
The Daily PrincetOnion spoke with Dean of Admissions Karen Richardson ’93 to ask her about recent developments.
“We’re trying to weed out the kids who ‘could have been happy anywhere,’ so this year we really want to find out what pissed you off in New Haven,” said Richardson. “If you’re having trouble with the prompt, just take your Yale supplement and put ‘not’ before each verb.”
The announcement comes days after the University announced the removal of the graded written test from the application process.
“Do you think we have time to read your disgusting AP Lit essay on ‘Frankenstein’?” Richardson said. Forty thousand contestants and you really think your essay on symbolism in “The Great Gatsby” is what sets you apart? “
Dean Richardson left the PrincetOnion interview, returning to his desk to shred some “What brings you joy?” And “Which song represents the soundtrack of your life right now?” essays already submitted.
“We don’t read that nonsense either,” she shouted, already halfway through the conference room.
Spencer Bauman is a freshman economics student in Boca Raton, Florida. He is a contributing writer for the Satire section.