Diary of an Oxford Student – The Oxford Student
10 a.m.: Wake up call. Hangover. I don’t remember what was drunk at Park End the night before. Can’t bear to think about it. Go back to sleep.
11am: Wake up in a cold sweat again, after remembering that tute is at 10am tomorrow, which means the essay is due to be written today. 2000 words before 5 p.m. Thought so repulsive, I spend an hour scrolling in panic on TikTok desperately waiting for the hangover clouds to disperse. They don’t.
12 p.m.: Check the agenda. Realize you missed an important conference at 10 a.m. because of a hangover. Decide to collect it and go to the library.
2 p.m.: At the library. Have written the title. Time for a short break.
3 p.m.: Wordle does.
4:00 p.m.: I really need to get on with the essay now. Only 1676 words to browse.
5:00 p.m.: Desperately email the tutor that the essay will be slightly late due to “unforeseen circumstances.”
8:45 p.m.: Submit an essay. Resolve to never write an essay in such a panic or be hungover again.
9 p.m.: Go to the pub with friends. They’re going to Bridge, but I won’t. I have a tutorial at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
9:30 am: Once again the hangover. Shit.
9:32 a.m.: Verification of the bank account. How did I spend £30 at Bridge yesterday? Who was I buying drinks for?
10am: Arrive on time for tute. “Thanks for the drinks yesterday,” the tute partner said.
11am: Disgustingly lively tute partner during tute despite all the drinks yesterday. Looks like a titmouse in front of the tutor in comparison. Make a terrible analogy between Julius Caesar and Elon Musk whom the tutor hates.
3pm: Afternoon off to celebrate the hard work on yesterday’s essay. Next try not due until Tuesday. Plenty of time.
Hate this productive, happy person.
10am-12pm: Go to the café to study with friends. Spend more time complaining about your job than your job.
2 p.m.: Tesco trip. Show holy behavior by avoiding cookies with the Clubcard discount and buying only what is necessary. Basket filled with vodka, hummus and an interesting yogurt from a brand I think is new. Oh, mini rolls.
4 p.m.: Meet a boring, overachieving friend who smugly says he’s ‘ahead of work’ and just going for a ‘walk in the parks at Uni’ before lacrosse practice and a play rehearsal later in the day. Hate this productive, happy person.
6:00 p.m.: Write an article for the newspaper instead of writing the essay. Tell me it’s interesting and useful, and that everyone reads/likes student journalism.
10 a.m.: At the library to work. Open academic PDF – it is 60 pages without an abstract. Consider running away and joining a circus.
12 p.m.: Check the playlist. The tutor put together an entire book and doubled it. Find a book in the library – it’s 200 pages. Consider running away and becoming a professional ventriloquist.
4:30 p.m.: You really have to start this book. Check Facebook first… What’s happening on Oxfess…
5 p.m.: Really MUST get back to work.
5:05 p.m.: I wonder where Johnny is from elementary school now? It’s really important, you have to check all the social media and see what he’s doing.
7 p.m.: Exhausted from the effort of considering doing work. Order Deliveroo and promise yourself to do better tomorrow.
Someone is breathing too heavily in the corner. Unable to concentrate. I’ll do my laundry as a productive break.
9:30 a.m.: In the library. You really have to get down to it today and write the essay.
11 a.m.: Bored. Someone is breathing too heavily in the corner. Unable to concentrate. I’ll do my laundry as a productive break.
1 p.m.: Lose half of my socks in the Circuit Laundry dryer. Where the hell are they going?
7 p.m.: Convinced by a pirate friend to actually use an overpriced syndicate membership naively hastily acquired during Freshers’ Week. Join the long queue to see a notable speaker/famous celebrity. Wasting a lot of time standing. Instead, think about how much reading you could have done in that hour.
8 p.m.: The room filled up and won’t let us in, so I wasted my time. Cancel the rest of the party out of frustration.
10 p.m.: At the college bar. Who cares about WORK anyway ??????
10:00: Lecture by an important and notable colleague whose work was on the reading list last week. Realize with horror only at the end that they misspelled their name throughout the previous try.
11 a.m.: Really MUST complete the new try. Have the other to read too. It’s okay, keep calm, keep calm.
3 p.m.: Successfully write the essay. Arguments are half-baked, but this will have to do. I feel bad about emailing an essay with an apology attached, so say I “struggled with some of the week’s concepts” instead.
9:30 a.m.: Oh my God. SO much reading and essays are due tomorrow afternoon. The tutor has not featured any items from the list. I absolutely hate them right now.
2 p.m.: Meet an old Tinder match on Cornmarket Street. Try to avoid them but they spot me and say hello. Not pretending I hadn’t seen them before while looking carefully out the window of Gregg’s. The meeting is embarrassing and regrettable.
5 p.m.: Madness leading to the purchase of a Park End ticket. I’m not going to do anything else today anyway.
3 a.m.: Oh, Soloman’s… I love you so much…
10 a.m.: Wake up call. Hangover. Remember tute is at 10am tomorrow which means the essay has to be written today. 2000 words before 5 p.m. Oh my God.
Image credit: Base image – Monstera at pexels.com, radcam image – Stephen Burrows at flickr.com, club images at Fixr pages
Image Description: Two girls writing in notebooks on a brown table. One is looking down, has red hair and wears a brown shirt. The other wears a lilac shirt and stares wistfully at the Bridge and Parkend and RadCam logos.